Why?

I’m currently in the hospital, didn’t sleep much in the last week, didn’t eat much, cried a lot, wanted to die, died inside a thousand times, I haven’t showered in a couple days…

No, I’m not sick, I’m very healthy, but my dad is not, these are his last days… he is suffering… he is crying.. he wants to live, but he can’t, life isn’t made that way…

But why? Why do we have to say goodbye? I don’t get it, I thought it will be easier, I thought that I’m prepared- turns out I wasn’t at all prepared… I was just afraid.

Yesterday was his birthday, many people called him but he didn’t care, he was in pain, he told everyone he wanted that he loves them and asked them to come to his funeral.

Now I am with my sister, we will be all night by his side, talking about how he didn’t deserve this and realizing how sad is actually the world, full of sick/dying people and animals… unhappy people… hungry people… If I only knew why…

I was reading today a quote “A dying person is just someone who started this path before you”

Sadness is such a week word for this..

Terrible, Devastating, Heartbreaking? Where is the freaking word for this feeling? It’s so much that I can’t even describe how my body feels, how my mind feels, It’s like all feelings are put together in one…

I ate some dinner today and started crying, my sister said she’ll punch me (in a jokey way) because I need to be strong these last moments, she asked why was I crying? And I replied “Because I ate, he probably wants to eat too, but is too weak”

And I don’t know….

Why should we even have emotions? Isn’t death celebrated in some countries? Why am I so miserable… I love you dad…

My brother hates me.

This is not a trauma that I haven’t healed, this is an example of an imperfect family, which I love no matter what.

Growing up, my parents worked for a period abroad because we do live in a poor country and they had 3 kids.

So they left me – a 9 years old with my brother which was 16 at the time and my sister who was 19.

Since I was a little kid, my brother didn’t like me much because I wasn’t a boy ( he said), he used to play with me when I was a baby, but as a toddler and older I have no memories of him even trying to play or talk to me nicely.

When my parents left I started feeling anxious, I had no protection from my brother, now he could make me clean and do chores all day or he could take all my things away, don’t let me play with my friends and so on… My sister was my savior, but she was not staying home much…

Looking back it doesn’t sound so bad, but as a 10 years old, it was devastating, I was feeling lonely and unloved.

I tried everything to make my brother like me, I tried to listen and do what he wanted me to, I did chores around the house, I was talking to him nicely, but for some reason he was making fun of me all the time.

My family was telling me that that’s how brothers act, and I should just be patient, when we will grow up things will change.

Well, things did change when we grew, but not the way I wanted…

I always dreamed of a brother that will appreciate what I’m doing, a brother that is encouraging me, giving advice, helping with anything…

Even now when I am a grown up, he is often judging me, telling me how bad I am, making fun of things that are not funny from my perspective, and I’ve always asked myself – what have I done? Why does he hate me so much?

I’m not saying that we hadn’t good moments, we learned how to tolerate each other, we learned that we are blood related and we need to love each other, but a thousand bad moments kills the ten good ones that we had.

Even Today he was telling my mom some things about me that from my point of the view – weren’t true, he is convinced that I am very rude to other people, that I will never achieve my goals with my behavior and it’s hard for people to be around me, as I tend to over exaggerate, I was there, In my defense I told him that he is not right.

I am asking myself now, why does he have such an opinion about me? Am I really a bad person? I know I’m not, people seem to like me, care about me, why then my brother doesn’t?

I am not perfect, he is far from perfect, but that doesn’t mean we should point our imperfections right? Maybe that’s what is making us humans..

One thing is right, when I have emotions, I can’t keep them to myself,

People say that showing how you feel may harm you, but I can’t smile if I’m sad.. I can’t shut my mouth when I know that someone is lying or someone is offending me or others.

But that’s not the worst thing that can happen in life, I know life is beautiful, I know that there will always be bad days and good days, I know I’ll survive,

I’m just saying…

This blog is about my truth,

Maybe I’m not right, maybe I’m exaggerating, but It’s how I feel, and what ever you’re feeling, you have all the right, we are humans, we are what we are.

Why I never liked Winter Holidays..

The best part about winter are the holidays, almost everyone are feeling the “vibe” the “mood” of the holidays, are going on vacations, are buying gifts, are decorating the house… You get it..

And that is absolutely awesome!

Me on the other hand, since I was little I never felt the joy of the holidays, I was feeling depressed every winter, even when the family was there, the boyfriend, the gifts, the decorations, even when they weren’t there, I felt the same.

As a kid, I don’t remember celebrating anything, no special memories, no Santa, no gifts and I was okay with that, never expected anything, as a kid I was happy to have snow and to play, didn’t care about anything else.

There are people in this World who starve and live on the streets, that’s how I realize how lucky I am, Really I can’t understand why am I depressed every year during the holidays, why can’t I just smile and celebrate?

Last year, my boyfriend tried to make my Holidays better, to create some good memories for me in order for me to stop being depressed during Christmas. And believe me, he did great and I am a lucky girl. (He is my husband now)

I was trying to understand why I felt this every year, maybe because I never had my brother and sister near or maybe because growing up my dad wasn’t there, or maybe because we had no traditions beside food for the Holidays,

The answer is no, It’s not the environment, it’s me, something must be wrong with me.

This Year is the worst, we didn’t celebrate at all anything because my dad is very sick and he is getting sad knowing that other people are healthier and are celebrating and looking into a future that he doesn’t have, and I’m afraid now that I will never enjoy Winter Holidays because of my bad “experience” with this time of the year.

I’m not trying to set my mind to have a negative perception about Christmas, but let’s look at this from my perspective, my dad is literally dying, I don’t know how much left he has, a week, a month, but next year I will definitely remember how my dad was dying during the Holidays, and I was washing vomit and urine.

And I know I’m not the only one, there are millions of people going through tough periods right now, and If you know someone that is not healthy or not happy, call them, listen to them, try to comfort them and not only during the holidays, offer help, it might be very needed.

What I wish for this New Year is for people to change for better, I wish to find more kindness in this World and people that genuinely care about others, because in this World we are a family, a huge family, that need to care about the environment and about the souls that are leaving on this Planet.

Happy New Year everyone!

Be happy and hug your family, at the end of the day they care about you the most.

No one really cares)

Today it’s not going to be a positive post either, but we will get there, I promise)

I’ve never had friends.I mean real friends.

Maybe I don’t understand the concept of “friendship”, I am not saying that I feel lonely, but it would’ve been nice if I had a person or two that are writing me once a week or twice asking how are things going)) (I do that to people I know)

You see, I think that by giving love, respect, kindness you will receive them, that wasn’t the case though) I’ve had many people in my life that I supported with all my heart, helped with everything they needed and I really got attached to some of them, but at some point I was betrayed anyways.

Maybe you will think I’m young and I have no experience to have that perspective, and maybe you are right but who cares? Although I never believed in age.

Let me tell you a story (I’ll try to make it short): I had a boyfriend back in the days, he was my “teenage love” he was not the good kind of boyfriend and I knew in my heart that I don’t want to be with him, but in my country boys are really possessive and I was too afraid.

Well, at that time I had a best friend, our relationship was awesome, she was the only friend he allowed me to have and I was telling her all the time how miserable I felt with him and all the things he have done to me, and she was encouraging me to break up, and I’ve tried many times (I’m not going to tell the full story is too long) but when I met a sweet guy that really cares and I fell in love I said to myself “I don’t care, whatever he will do to me, I will survive” and guess what, I went to my best friend and told her everything about this other guy, and that this may be finally a way out, and she went to my ex-boyfriend and told him everything,

Rumors about me started spreading they were saying to all the kids in school that I am a cheater, a whore, and many many other things that weren’t true. At that time it was my worse nightmare, and the first time in my life I learned what bullying was.

This is only a small part of the story (I don’t think I’m ready to give details yet) to let you know that without my best friend I would’ve not felt what severe depression was, suicide thoughts (actions) and getting really sick because of a freaking relationship.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t let friends close to me again, I did, and again nothing good from that. I was blaming myself, I was really trying to change in order for people to like me… Now I think it’s stupid. People are selfish, they think about themselves, they don’t care about you, they will care for a couple seconds, minutes, maybe hours, but that’s it.

I’ll tell the full story on this blog, maybe other people will get something good from it, like -experience. I would’ve had a lot of success with it on social media- people love drama, but I am not seeking that, I just needed a platform to store my thoughts.

A dying parent…

This Blog is not about telling you how to cope with feelings, is about finding and offering support.

To be honest, everyday I read so many articles about “a dying parent” and I can’t find the consolation, someone is saying that spending time with them is so special and they are honored to be there for their death, maybe because I’m still so young I can’t cope with those feelings.

My dad has cancer stage IV, nothing is helping anymore, he feels worse everyday, and I can’t help it. I’m even mad at him because he couldn’t take care of his health.( that is stupid I know)

During these 2 years I’ve had so many “feelings”, I think I felt them all and I believe many people can relate. We’ve had so many moments of peace and joy only because we believed “this can’t be the end” and now – disappointment- this is the end.

A dying parent is – leaving with the fear that everyday something can happen.. heart beating raising when your mom is calling… looking at your loved parent and trying to comfort him but nothing is helping…

These last days I realized that no one is actually writing about real emotions, yeah there are some who describe this feeling as “broke”,”you are broken” -I will describe it more like a thousand different feelings that include: fear, irritability, profound sadness, madness, confusion and your body and thoughts are just melting, every day you feel like you are dying with your parent!

I also read many positive articles about how to cope with a dying parent, about moving on and be happy. But I can’t cope with it when he is still alive, imagine when he will not be, I will grieve and miss him forever, I know I will have moments in my life when I will find the old photos and cry all day, for me there is no “feeling better” there is “denying the facts”.

I don’t mean to make others feel bad for denying or feeling better, that’s awesome, and if you did achieve that – please let me know how! I will be very grateful.

You see, my dad wasn’t the best or the worst, he worked all his life abroad to assure us a decent life, and when it was time to return home to his family we found out what cancer is.

I don’t know if I understand the concept of “God” now, I did all my life, but why would you make life miserable for good people? I rather be a bad person and live a good life with all my family alive!

Maybe I’m just exhausted and I’m too negative, but I hope you understand that the struggles are real and our emotions need to be real at least to the point they are not harming our health, but they will because that is how human nature works!

Anyways, when I find answers, I will write them here, until then I wish everyone a good day and take care of your parents- make them go to all the doctors regularly))

Coping with feelings.

Everyone gets to a point in their life when they are searching on Google “how to deal with..”

On Google you can find many people that are writing about their feelings and experiences and you are searching for the ones that match yours, but they never match yours exactly.

And you realise that you are alone, that you are the only one having these specific feelings, and when you read all the articles meant to help “Coping with feelings” you understand that nothing is helping and you are on your own.

I’m hoping that this article can help at least one person deal with their fears, a break up,a fight with a loved one, lonliness, depression, a dying parent/friend/sibling…, and many other things that are making us feel desperate, sad and anxious, all of these things toghether which are inevitableare makes us fear life, but sooner or later something will happen and we need to be prepared.

I told to myself that I will not tell my story in this article, I do not want people to feel sorry for me, the life is harsh on everyone, my mom used to tell me that “God is not giving us to handle more than we can”.

Maybe if you are lucky enough you will have a happy life, but most of the people will describe their life as “challenging”.

If you pressed on this Article searching for the answer “How to cope with the feelings”, the answer is:

-let them out, don’t keep them for yourself, talk with someone, let everyone know about your feelings and ask them about theirs, you will find out they were trying to deal with similar feelings, don’t try to “cope” with them, feel them, they are just like all the other feelings. Bad experiences will make you strong, and next time, when something happens you will be prepared.

(P.S. My native language is not English, I hope my thoughts were expressed accurate)

Some motivational quotes:

“Never let your emotions, overpower your intelligence”

“Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go”

“Stop expecting. Start accepting. Life becomes much easier”

Enjoy life 🙂

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